Sun behind those clouds

   I woke up this morning to one of those very gray, cloudy days.  It is so gray that it feels like early morning due to the low light coming in the windows. It is the kind of day that just makes me drag.
I do not mind rain; however, I find I do not accomplish what I would on a sunny day or even partly cloudy days. My body drags through the days as if at any moment we will be returning to bed.
   I am sure this is almost a metaphor for depression. But everyday is cloudy and less of the light comes through as days go by. I can not imagine months of really cloudy days and rain. Not knowing if and when the sun will come out.
   I had a friend who had severe bouts of depression and it was so hard to watch. She was very good at putting on a front when it would start so that no one would know. Then she would disappear for sometime as she received help. I spoke to her several times about it and she said she had no control over it and eventually it would overwhelm her body and mind. When I had the opportunity to speak to her during a moderate bout not only was her affect flat but so was her thinking. She had thoughts of worthlessness and hopelessness that no words from me could change. She literally was captive to her mind and IT’S thoughts about her.
   It was because of her that I began to pay attention to the words I use with myself. How do I talk to myself when I screw up or get angry?  Is depression from just years of horrible self talk until one day the mind takes over and thinks for itself? I could not answer this question but I did know that my words to myself became much kinder. What use to be “how could you be so stupid” became “silly me”. I became more compassionate to myself. I learned to see the basic human foibles I and every other human in this race do, with kindness and compassion.
   If you suffer from occasional or mild depression, pay attention to your self talk. If you can not find compassion for yourself, who else will? If you can not speak kindness to yourself who else will? You are the most important voice you hear every day. MAKE IT COUNT.

Be kind, always with you


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